Relationship Tip - One Thing You Can Do Today!

This is such an important concept.  We all want our needs met.  Sometimes our partner can help us out, sometimes not.  

As you may have guessed, I'm a fan of Harville Hendrix and his wife, Helen.  They say that behind every frustration we have with our partner is a "wish." So the one thing you can do today is to pick a frustration and figure out what your "wish" is behind it, before you try to talk to your partner.

For instance, Harville described how Helen is always running late.  In this case, his "wish" was that she will let him know when she is going to be late. Then he knows how to handle his time AND he also asks her that when she does finally arrive . . . to throw her arms around him and give him a big hug and a kiss!

So rather than criticize his wife for being late, he expresses it as a wish.  Isn't that a great idea?

I've been going around all week, thinking about wishes.  Some I've shared with Kent.  Somehow it feels like I have a Fairy God Mother.  (Having a sense of humor also helps!)

Try it out ... and let me know what you think.

To explore your "wishes," you may wish to enroll in our Premarital Preparation sessions.  If so, call 206-789-9788 or contact me through our website.www.aheavenlyceremony.com

Relationship Tip: Zero Negativity

I came across an article by Harville Hendricks, a very well known relationship expert.  In an article, he invited couples to make a Zero Negativity pledge to one another.  No hurtful words, no hurtful looks, no hurtful gestures.

He says that "Whether criticism is phrased in a gentle way or a cruel way, it comes from the same place of judgment."  While at the same time "a relationship without dialogue, without one person being able to express a concern, is also an unhealthy place. Suppressed thoughts and feelings lead to passive-aggressive behavior, or to the gradual dissolution of affection for one another."

Hendricks suggests "The path out of this relational trap is to first take on an approach of zero negativity: for both parties to commit absolutely to refraining from put downs, negative comments and behaviors. ...  Not just temporarily, but always."

OK ... so here's an example of how it works. 

"... start with a statement like "I'm having a hard time with something, and I want to share it with you. Is now a good time to talk?" 

He goes on to say "If it's not a good time for the other person to hear this, the requester must accept it. But the other person must in turn offer a time he or she would be more open to hearing your concerns. Knowing that you are going to express something critical takes away the element of surprise and defensiveness in the other person, and allows you to state your concern in a thought out, gentle way. It makes it much more likely that they will be willing to compromise and come closer to your side of the fence."

I really like this ... and, I'm going to give it a try.  Maybe you will too!

Click here to read the full article.

If you are interested in premarital preparation sessions, give us a call at 206-789-9788 or contact us through our website.

Marriage Tip of the Week - Self Care

Us feeling good!

Do the things that you know are good for you!  says Kent as he stretches his hamstrings and does a few torso twists in the middle of the living room (or a stop 'n go dervish movement, as he describes it).

Over the last week or so, we caught the dreaded "BUG!"  So we each needed to take care of ourselves while being kind to the other (or at least we tried to).  Despite feeling horrible, we had some really nice moments.  We have an infrared sauna and we melted in peaceful harmony (the heat felt soooo good).

We both enjoy ginger tea when we are under the weather so we kept a thermos full in our kitchen.

Since Kent prefers to sleep to TV when he's ill (day and night -- he has not seen so many movies!) and I would rather have a quiet room, a good book and lots of quilts, we gave one another space to be the way we wanted.  It feels good to have that freedom.

We are beginning to feel better and will soon be resuming our daily walks and regular lives.  We encourage each other to take a least a half hour to do something we really like.  I tend to download digital stamps (for crafting) each evening so we have taken to call our individual indulgences as "digis."  It makes us feel better individually ... and it's that also a great thing for our relationship too!

Have you enjoyed a digi today?

Marriage Tip of the Week - Power Stances Improve Sense of Self Worth

This week I watched a video on Ted TV.  The speaker, Amy Cuddy, was wonderful! She spoke about the connection between how we feel about ourselves and our body language.  This is pretty obvious.  

Professor Cuddy's research reveals the reverse is also true:  when we place ourselves in a power or victory pose, we feel more confident, self-assured and powerful. One such pose is the "superwoman pose."

 


Here we are:  I'm in the pose and Kent's getting ready!









OK!  Kent's got his arms up (as far as they can go for the moment as a result of his numerous cycling encounters with pavement and such) in the victory pose.  Are we feeling better?  Yes, we are.

What a great thing to do.

As you see, it worked for us!

We'll been playing with this technique and it really is effective.  The next time you are going into a situation where you want to be your most confident, take two minutes in a private place, stand in a power pose, then go forth. 

This is us going forth ...

Thanks to Julie Harmsen's Photo Booth images!

If premarital preparation is in your future, give me a call at 206-789-9788 or contact me through our website: www.aheavenlyceremony.com.

Relationship Intentions for the New Year

There is something both hopeful ... and daunting ... about beginning a new year.  I love what Mike Robbins wrote in his column:  "Creating The New Year with Intention" (January 5, 2010) and this dual reality.  He talks about the excitement of new year possibilities and the inspiration of the energy of creation at this special time of the year.  Then, he goes on to describe how many of us aren't motivated by our resolutions or empowered by them in a real and sustainable way.

He is so right about this time of the year.  It really is a special time to receive insights about our lives and our relationships, to become clear about what inspires us, to decide which "seeds" we would like to plant and nurture and then to enjoy the journey it takes us on. Yet, we need to have the faith and trust to even open ourselves to possibilities.

We (Kent and I) celebrated the first day of the year focusing on intentions (yes, this was definitely a gift from Kent -- he knows how much it means to me).  We took a long walk yesterday.  It was a beautiful clear day and we talked about the coming year as we walked.  Of course, our first mutual intention was about our relationship.  We envision remaining emotionally connected and at peace with each other. We realize we have very compatible talents and qualities and wish to synchronize with each other to order to enjoy our lives and to prosper even more.  This is our overarching intention.  I smile and tear up with joy just thinking about it.

Our relationship in 2013 is something I'm really looking forward to!  

Wishing you and yours the very best in the coming year.

Premarital preparation focused on relationship skills is offered by A Heavenly Ceremony.  If you would like to take a moment to connect with your relationship intention(s), give me a call at 206-789-9788 or contact me through the premarital preparation page on our website:  www.aheavenlyceremony.com/couples-consulting.php.

Details Make the Wedding, Details Make the Marriage

As I was writing the blog post about Kaley and Joel's wedding, it lead right into the Marriage Tip of the Day.  Just as details convey the thoughtfulness and love of the bride and groom and the experience they wish to create for their family and friends, so do details in a marriage.  They serve the same purpose:  a mindfulness and a sense of caring which contribute to a loving experience.

Kent and I used to live on a sail boat --
we learned to work together!

Thinking back over the day, there were so many loving details.  Kent was doing a sleep apnea test last night so I was especially careful when I joined him in bed so as not to disturb his sleep.  We settled in on the couch this morning to share our dreams over a cup of coffee (Kent), a cup of hot water (me).

We made lunch and dinner together.  Kent cleaned our brushes and moved the heavy ladders after we finished painting for the day.  I washed the area to be painted tomorrow.


We shared organic dark chocolate covered raisins for dessert after dinner and watched part of a Midsomer mystery.  I wrote the blog posts tonight.  Kent is in the process of cleaning up our database.

All these are small things in themselves yet they are the details of our lives.  Some of the activities took more effort than others but all are important.  Together they formed the sense of appreciation and love we have for each other.

What are some of the favorite "details" of your marriage/your relationships?

To explore your relationship and what your important "details" are, check out our Premarital Sessions at  http://www.aheavenlyceremony.com/couples-consulting.php.

Three Days to Vote for Best Officiant - King 5 and Marriage Tip of the Day

Today, we heard from people who just voted for us.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  It is nearing the close of another wonderful wedding season and it is a great time to hear words of appreciation.  If you are so inclined, cast your vote!  It would fill our "cup of appreciation" even more.

Kent and I were busy with "office work" this morning and then did some exterior painting this afternoon.  Kent did most of the trim work on the house, which involved moving the ladder a lot and he painted two colors at a time.  (I was impressed.  When I do that, the colors always run together.)

A few hours into painting -- after he had completed the trim on the part of the house we were focusing on -- he let me know he was tired and was stopping for the day.  He went into the kitchen and popped the chicken into the oven so when I had reached my point of personal completion, there was a warm meal waiting for me. :)

When we talked about it later, Kent said that he had reached a point where it just wasn't much fun: he was tired and cold and hungry.  He noticed that (huge personal awareness step) and decided to do the rest tomorrow.

We both felt good.  I did what I wanted, Kent did too and we are making good progress on our project.  It makes sense to be aware of individual needs, to communicate about them, and to take care of ourselves.

To explore your relationship, check out our Premarital Sessions.

Three Days Left to Vote in the King 5 Best Officiant Poll and Marriage Tip of the Day

Yes, there are just a few days to cast your very precious vote for A Heavenly Ceremony in the Best Officiant of Western Washington Poll.  Just click here.  You do need to register -- sorry about that.  But then you can vote for many other businesses you value. 

And, now on the Marriage Musing (Kent pointed out it isn't really a Tip) of the Day.  Over the weekend I officiated for Alex and Nina at Kiana Lodge.  Nina was so lucky that both of her grandmothers were there to witness her exchange of vows. 

While Jeff Schmitt was photographing family members, I chatted with one of the Nina's aunts. (Surely, more photos will come.) She explained that one of the grandmothers (on the left) was wearing the dress she wore at her wedding.  I guess I looked confused, calculating in my head her approximate age and the dress styles of that time.

Her aunt explained:  it was her second wedding.  Evidently, the first marriage lasted 45 years and the second 25! I don't know what impressed me most:  the longevity of the marriages or the fact that she married happily twice.  Evidently, she was 65 when she wed the second time.

Love was still available.  Love may be different or it may change but it will still be good.  Have faith in it.  (Kent says "Now it's a tip!)

It got me thinking about time and how it affects marriage.  Each year seems to pass more quickly and each year seems more precious.  When I step back just a bit from my daily pursuits, the change in perspective helps me get perspective on our marriage.  I remember how thankful I am for all of Kent's skills - he is very proficient in a number of areas and he is more interesting and intriguing as well.  Perhaps reflecting on relationship provides a means of acknowledging what has grown and matured, what remains a challenge, what possibilities tomorrow will bring.  

If you are looking for an officiant for your wedding -- the early stage of your journey of love -- please contact us at 206-789-9788 or through our website:  www.aheavenlyceremony.com.

9 Days to Vote for A Heavenly Ceremony in the King 5 Best Officiant of Western Washington Poll and Tip of the Day for a Great Marriage

Photo by Voir

Happy to say that we have moved into third place.  Thank you one and all for casting your votes for us.  And, there are still nine days to go.  If you haven't voted, please click here to mosey on over and cast your vote!

As for the tip of the day, I really like the concept of an "inspired" marriage.  I get goose bumps just hearing the words together. Of course, I headed right to the dictionary to check out the meanings.  Various references provided a number of definitions.  Here are a few:

*  To be aroused, animated, or imbued with the spirit to do something, by or as if by supernatural or divine influence
*  To fill with enlivening or exalting emotion
*  To be the cause or source of; to bring about
*  To be outstanding or brilliant in a way or to a degree suggestive of the divine 

All of these bring to mind the act of creation.  To have vision and intent, to be willing to invest the time and resources to create, to revel in the process of marriage. 

Revel in  marriage.  Let your imagination and inspiration take wing!

Premarital preparation is available at A Heavenly Ceremony.  Give us a call or contact us through our website.

10 Days to Vote for A Heavenly Ceremony as Best Officiant of Western Washington and Marriage Tip of the Day

Vince Lombardi:  "Winning is not a sometime thing; its an all the time thing. You don't win once in a while; you don't do things right once in a while; you do them right all the time. Winning is a habit."

Vince, you really got it right with this one! 

And, as for the marriage tip of the day, you could just as easily substitute the word "Love" for "Winning."

"Love is not a sometime thing; its an all the time thing.  

You don't love once in a while; 

you don't do things right once in a while; 

you do them right all the time. 

 Love is a habit."

Kent and I joke about this all the time.  We are reaching the age when a person thinks about their future years.  Our brains and bodies are still working pretty well, we are very happy with our work and live active lives, our relationship is getting better and better.  We would to ensure that we continue to live independently, healthfully, happily.  We believe good habits can help, big time.

Kim and Colin love the ocean
so they spend as much time there as possible.
They even decided to wed on a beach.

So if Kent is driving and cuts a turn a bit closer than kosher or I try to juggle too many things at once, we simply say "Good habits!" Generally, we both laugh and modify our actions because we want to continue to improve ourselves and the quality of our lives.

When you think about what good habit would make your life and the life the one you love even better, what would that be?  What could you do today?

One good habit is to act as a fan for those you value.  If you were pleased with your wedding ceremony and are ready to vote for Best Officiant of Western Washington, click here and cast your very valued and appreciated vote!

(Premarital preparation is available through A Heavenly Ceremony.  Call 206.789.9788 or contact us through our website:  www.aheavenlyceremony.com.) 

17 Days of King 5 Best Officiant Voting - 17 Tips for a Healthier and Happier Relationship

David and Kristen were married this summer.
Wishing them decades of happiness together!

Time together, both quality and quantity. Love this story. One woman, married 47 years before her husband passed away, disclosed her secret to lifelong love. Every night, when her husband came home from work, they went up to their bedroom and hung a sign on the door that read “Do Not Disturb: Marriage In Progress.” For the following fifteen minutes they’d focus all their attention on one another. No phones, no pets, no distractions; even the kids knew that mom and dad were not to be bothered. When asked what they did in their bedroom, she laughed and said she’d leave that to our imaginations. That was probably best anyway. (Matthew Boggs, Marriage Masters)

Kristen, Lolo and David

We are thankful to be nominated for
Best Officiant in the King 5 Best of Western Washington Poll. It seems we need several hundred votes to place in the top five and more to place first. Currently, we are in sixth place.  Each and every vote is important.  We realize you need to invest your time wisely so please spend some quality time with those you love today ... and if you have a moment after that, we would appreciate your vote.